A Note from Jen

A few weeks ago, I dyed Easter eggs with my daughter Amara and my fiance John. We dyed brown eggs, not white eggs, and the colors we chose to dye them with were very modern chic color combinations that looked straight out of One Kings Lane. Amara dyed an egg, with a small crack in the shell, with a beautiful rose color. The imperfection in this beautiful egg was devastating to our five-year-old girl. As the crack slowly got bigger something changed for Amara. She began to look at the egg with contentment, seeing only the beauty of this small imperfection.

Spring is a time of letting the light in from the shadows of winter. In this season, we witness birth hit its peak of wonderment. The birds become more active, the flowers and vegetable beds are being pollinated and begin bursting with life. The world starts to take on a brighter and happier light, even with the small cracks. The shadows of the winter start to fade away and spring's fertile ground clears the haze and brightens our way. Talisman is about finding a gem and telling a truthful story. Some stories are harder to tell than others, but also need to be shared.

Amara is my gem. My life became whole and filled with the brightest light of happiness when she entered it. Being a mother to her everyday is something that my body asked for and received with a grateful kind of happiness. My sister reminded me to savor these moments. To stare into her face when she sleeps calmly or savor it when she explodes with laughter from having a raspberry on her belly. A recent loss also reminded me that being present in these youthful times of joy is the grandness contribution I can allow into my life at this time.

In September, John and I got pregnant and were expecting a baby girl whose name would be Aden. Her projected birth date was in June 2022 on the summer solstice. This beautifully complimented Amara who was born on the winter solstice. We loved that two sisters would finally become united, but the world had a different plan for Aden.

At twelve weeks pregnant, we found out that she would be born with a fatal birth defect. We were told that she wouldn’t live outside the womb for more than three hours, if at all. We had to make the choice to let go of Aden. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. The trauma and wound is slowly healing and now I am finding it very important to talk about. Miscarriages and birth defects have been a hush-hush topic in our society. They seem not to be spoken about because they are almost looked upon as a fault or something that the women could’ve prevented. It also is so painful that it is hard to speak about.

Throughout the experience, I found myself apologizing and feeling like there was something that I could have done to prevent this. Now I know that this was something I had no control over. My partner felt alone and a feeling of not wanting to let her go. He still cries on my shoulder remembering that she would be here soon. In fertility, there is death and there is life. When I think of the word fertile, I now not only think of birth, love, and abundance, but I also think of renewal, reprieve, and darkness. Amongst the darkness the light will always get in and in time there will be brightness and life again. Everyone always asks, “Are you going to keep trying?” I don’t know if we will be blessed with another pregnancy again, but we do know there is so much life and healing to be had from sharing our story and savoring the precious moments with our beautiful daughter.

Ten to twenty percent of known pregnancies end in a miscarriage. We can all be together in these losses and not hide out in the darkness. Togetherness and talking about similar experiences weave us together in a giant hug of grieving mothers and fathers. Supporting each other through these times is what is needed.

I hope this message allows you to feel that you can share your story with a friend, with Talisman, with your mother or with anyone you feel called to share with. Dare to be the first vulnerable voice. You may be surprised by the stories your loved ones share with you that haven’t been shared before.

I’ve come to believe that the true meaning of fertility is this raw, beautiful vulnerability can open us up to birth real life emotions. By being brave and telling our stories, beautiful and hard, we make this world a better and more healthy place to live in. Thank you for the opportunity to tell my story.